Ephemeral brainwaves

As I wake up to leave home, From hunger to travel my mind roam. And the feeling of warmth comes, As I check for texts and my mind hums. As I say good bye to mum, A glimpse of him would make me numb. I kiss Penny after a little fuss, As I leave without becoming a mush. As I reach the airport to fly, Don't have past memories even if I try. And I exit the world of children's fiction, As I board to enter the life of non-fiction. As the crew started to serve, The reality and pain hit my nerve. The packet of cashews exchanged hands, As we flew away from the dusty lands.

The unlucky thirteenth they say. Removing from the way, And abolishing the magic, That might not have been tragic. On the the fourteenth before Easter. With all the courage I could muster, Fighting to leave and salavage, That might not have been savage. By the fifteenth connections were built. And how you and I had started to melt. It felt like too soon for everything that might not have been a fling. The dates from here now jumble, As our feelings we mumble. Texts, calls, and meetings follow That might not have been hollow.

As the raindrops fall on dry concrete floor, Watch the circular spots merge into whole. How quickly the patterns are formed and  how ephemeral is their existence, Just like the glistening drops on thy lens. As the rain the sky gets filled with the hues of blue again, Look at the spirals and the eddies that form. When you swirl your finger in that puddle created after that storm. Shapes of galaxies far away appear the same, Bringing back the universe to you in your frame. By holding onto this moment of bliss, Make sure that this sense of belonging you do not miss.

Like that non existent face, I was the third person always on hold. Be it in real or virtual space, That's how all the stories unfold. Being lied and cheated, For my own good. To being used and hated, As you changed your mood. You gathered courage at times, To speak out your mind. At other times cowered back and whined, When you forgot to be kind. Whys and whats could never be answered, Only the silent agony would remain. As I would try to get these memories blasted, Trust me to give you all that was refrained. Deep within you will wither and cry. Like all those nights that I held my heart. This pain would never stop whatsoever you try, Not even forgiveness would give you a fresh start. Deceit and lies are what you would find, Along with distraction and neglect. I wish you to be the third person in your mind, Whenever you choose to play your life's narrative on select.

While the humanity fights their battle with a virus, There is a war raging within humans that is mindless. Adversity and crisis brings out the best in people, and also the worst, but it may not be that simple. Fighting within themselves are human minds, Between what they feel versus what is told to be right. Holding back the negativity, insecurity and jealousy, During the times of a pandemic may not be a priority. Let those emotions roll in full swing this time, Because later you'll be left only with that slime. Regret and guilt won't do much good once all this will be over. It wouldn't be easy when your deeds in sleep will hover.

Kept questioning myself at each step, Making myself think that I didn't need any help. All those instances that made me overwhelmed, Got registered as only to have been dreamt. Longing to be understood at each step, Making myself think that it was I who misstepped. What was scarier than the nightmares themselves, Was the fear of not being able to realise the reality itself.

The masks kept coming apart, The childhood friend and the brother at heart. Piercing through thy chest again, Came back those fears of being vain. Shrieking voices of the past, Resound their chiming that lasts, Breaking open the memories locked, Unopened for thy fear of being mocked. Love comes in multi forms, Transcending from all people in this storm. Masked faces and gloved hands, Couldn't hide the real spirit of humanity's stand. Spilling emotions to overcome panic, Caresses from afar too can weave magic. Rising and soaring up above all, Malice and evil come to stall. Conspiracy theorists forget the mastermind. It was always against us and nature's kind. Wars that raged in the past couldn't answer yet, Questions that time and again brought humanity to detest.

What does it mean to stand on your own feet, after stumbling and crawling to reach that seat? From where you can see the world around without being hit back again to the ground Cradling your heart from the signs of age, fighting off each day the wars that wage. From falling teeth that will never grow back again to all the silvery linings that cover your brain. What does it mean to lose all that you had gained after learning and relearning to see how things weighed? From the countless lessons that came your way without which you wouldn't have made to this day. Cradling your heart from the signs of age fighting off each day the wars that wage. From that over working heart that had remained strong for long to all the wrinkles over your body that enshrine your life's song. What does it mean to have no one to talk to after having acquired tons of knowledge and cues? From how not to let your health get spoiled without letting the fun of youth get foiled. Cradling your hea...

When the mirror lies to you. What the hell can you do? It shows a different reflection each night, Which gets to change with the brightness of light. How can you trust the light rays, That cannot even bend their own ways? The ones producing such profound effects, But not without a slight hint of their own defects. We rely on these rays to see our own deformities, Forgetting the created images are nothing but lies. Remember how the mirror can not only defy, To show the real beauty of your twinkling eye, But it too can pierce your heart, Without even exposing its real part.

When all the pretences and masks fall, Making way for the only true call, and sense glides in to evoke, A sense of losing what all was sure. Shaking another's will and well being, To make way for one's own bearing, Shattering someone's desire and hope, To make a safe abode for you to mope. May thee get to see a mirror soon, And find a place in this gathering gloom, But then maybe there is a fixed mask too, Which will not even come off to your ownself. What could be worse than not knowing oneself, Pity the ones who never get to meet themselves, The ones who get lost in their own webs of words, That coming out of it alive is often not possible in this world.

With all that cream smashed on the side walk, Led the trail of icing to the main spot of the talk. There lay an abandoned box wide open, Where lay the remains of the cake uneaten. Strewn all around were plates of left overs, A colorful display of those bits of posers. The stairs that led to this spot were also covered, In pieces of red, yellow and green, all buttered. Teeming with celebrating and joyous thunder, The kids would have spent their time I wonder. Soon to be forgotten into the wisp of wintery grime, Headed back without any fret for their crime. What made me compare this scene of neglect, To a forensic investigation for nothing to detect. The superfluous wastage of grains and cream, That might have fulfilled a little one's dream.

The encoded code that I am born with.. The trials that came when I were a kid.. The defining moments that showed me love and care.. Isn't that going to answer the question of where am I in there.. The mirror neurons that keep seeking validation.. The maladaptive behaviours that cause this inhibition.. The rewards and endorphins that I keep chasing.. Is just the background noise of all that electricity blazing.. The inherent desire to fit in the community.. The sense of loss on losing that self identity.. Dreams and aspirations that I picked up on the way.. Are just random nuances of living with eyes open each day.. I don't know who I am and am still in a fix.. Maybe because I am just a random mix.. Of electrical activity and chemicals reactions just like in a wasp.. Who has woken up to a consciousness that it cannot grasp..

In the clouds of grey and black, Struck a lightening with a crack, Brightening the sky for a second too long. Why does envy come with this piercing song? Pouring thunder loud and dark, Crosses water the threshold mark, Gushing feelings of guilt and righteousness. What's wrong in embracing a little humanness? Even in chilly winds of frosty night, Lights a fire for which isn't in sight, Warming the spirit and the body. Why does envy hum this melody? Rustling leaves of misty logs, Drawing a curtain to shield the fogs, Seeping through from between the hinges. Why to run from unwelcome thoughts?

What does an abandoned house feel like? Dilapidated structures echoing sounds of silence, Waiting for the downpour and thunder to strike, With lights and sounds creating a bit of violence. Finding connections where none exist, Being the most simplest of guilts. Missing the obvious signs that persist, Of the coming storms and the tension it builds. Stories that didn't end like expected, Stir another wave of longing inside. Drawing parallels between all that was rejected, With all those unseen links identified. The Circle thereby completes itself. What was started had to end. Unflinching courage needs thyself, For the past to make its amend.

Flimsy bubbles of moments galore. Sheer beauty of that happiness pure. Could not relive that past any more, Still you found place within my snores.. It were the places you never could visit, Running after me like on the ground of cricket. With no concern at all for the illicit, finally you were what i was missing. Meeting my friends and removing your shell, Talking from palmistry to Nobels. Greeting me with a goodbye flying kiss,  Formed an amber in my mind's abyss.

What is it in hopelessness that draws me to you? The resonating senses and feelings of blue. Entering the world of gloom and woes, I shall overcome the lows. What is it in rejection that makes me start all over again? The hopes and apprehensions of getting strain. Moving into the darkness of the world, I shall not hide and remain unfurled. What is it in those tears that takes me back in time? The warmth and indifference of your chime. Transporting back and forth in present and past, I shall hold onto whatever will last.

I didn't want a plain and boring screen, So wandered to gather the yellows, reds and greens. Inadvertently picked up a hue of blue, In that moment my wish came true. Tones and shades formed like never before, Creating scenes of bliss and lore. Chasing clouds and rains to get a glimmer of rays, With hope in heart for more sunny days. Glistening drops sprinkled on grassy blades, Sparkling webs as well inviting their preys. Lilies of white and pinkish hues, Visited by bees and birds with no ruse. Trees and mountains look so very far, From where I stand and witness the miracle of our star. Without the grandeur of the distance and space, I would have never appreciated their grace.

Hiding behind religion to atone for your sins. Pleading guilty for the crime of your kins. You would kill me by your words each time. And I shall immortalise you with mine. Blame the one who wanted to believe in your words. Shame the one who accepted you turds. With your speech that had always slurred. I had believed to otherwise what you had inferred. Meaning of lying and cheating were beyond your comprehension. Still I would be blamed in real for creating a deception. My words and curses were not justified, But hiding and playing a lie were rationalised. If only love saw this all happening from above, It would never come out of its cove. Things that people do and give in his name, If only they could see him hiding in shame.

Filled with emptiness and dread,  being back to where I had begun. Ebbing anger with eddies of self contempt, There isn't a place to now go away from myself and run. Fears crept again from the past where I had buried them last, Suppressing them have created an obscurial ghost. Can kill it or hurt others from its shreds the most. Voices rising in agony and mistrust, From deep inside that abyss that I would not overcome, Lest I could make this ache like a bubble burst. Circles complete with no ends and starts. This unending sham of pretence and make believe, Would end only by the wisdom of Descartes. Cogito ergo sum. (I think; therefore I am.)

What is the meaning of gratitude? Giving our old torn clothes to the ones who have none. Throwing away the food we could not devour, Letting them clean our spaces adding more to what they won. Blaming the gods above and the past life, For the fates that our gratitude showered upon us all. The divides that we made ourselves, In the name of those paper and metal made wall. Distracting from the distractions imposed to escape, Creating images of self importance and being a unique word. Forgetting who grows the food we eat, Seeing abundance and extrapolating it to the whole world. That all is what gratitude is not, but it rather is, Taking responsibility for what we created to ward it off. Regaining the power to lose all you have, To move beyond the semblance of these illusory fogs.

I keep going back to that place, Hoping to see again your face. What is it that my mind wants? Why does your memory still haunts? Do I wish to lock up this part of my brain? But there's a lot that it made to get ingrain. The beauty, the colours and the spring of life, I can't delineate the two how so hard I may strive. Detachment is the sole way to get disillusioned, Otherwise you would only make yourself more delusional. Frequenting the place again and again, Hoping to bump into you won't be a gain. Whatever it was had not last, Let the past remain in the past. Refrain from hoping and expecting much, That's the only way as such.

Hello to the one who is taking time to read! I have it all figured out like the strings on a bead. To the hook up guys, I appreciate your honesty and greed, But there are other better apps to fulfill your need. To the ones who have a shaadi dot com account which was not meant, I've seen how you have mistaken this as a place to rent. To the ones who are about to get married soon, Why don't you cherish your would be moon? And to the ones who are here to date, I know how much serious relationships you hate. That leaves nobody for me out here, Still I'll say hello to you, yes you, out there! P.S. Please don't use your Insta and YouTube knowledge against me.. :P :/

The long time internet friendsThe mutual liking of those trends Detours to the cyber space speedy days A year long excursion of fantasy's ways Divine interventions came across Random metro note did not pass Cyber adventures equalled self sabotage Just like how bacterial CRISPR kills phage

I shuddered in the night while walking back home. It was a dark silhouette that cropped up above this dome. It took me a while to compose myself, Realising that it was my own self. I got scared of nothing else but my own shadow, Which is what happens even in the comforts of those meadows. How easy it is to tell someone to love themselves first, But how can we stop fearing and put our demons to rest. Lest they crawl back again in those dark hours, On moonless nights when you are on all your fours. Losing your hold on ground is not the only way to lose hope, Rising high can also cut that rope Rope that holds you to sanity and away from delusions But what do you do when the shadows call you back to those illusions The fear is then not of losing oneself in the crowd or being tied to the unknown It is of finding your own self waking up in the middle of the night and walking back to the known

The serenity of a still landscape.. Reflects the peaceful escape.. The beauty of rising sun and dew drops.. Shimmering over breezes and colourful crops.. As you long for those bygone days.. The sunshine glows your heart with its rays.. Those strolls with friends of fourth grade.. Etched deep within, come out and wade.. Faceless voices shriek at times.. Losing reason and all that rhymes.. Enter this frightening state of mind.. To shine above all man kind.. Embrace what you kept running from.. That's the only way to bear this storm.. How did the sunshine turned into a storm.. Yellow golden faded into a dark grey form.. The stillness returns after the rains and thunder.. Why did it take so long for it all to end I wonder..

 Hidden between those cramped spaces, Was all that one could imagine to bear. While looking around at smiling faces, Silently holding within until someone was near. What could have been a soothing touch, Seemed to be another puncture to the wound. Horror filled eyes glanced at the wounded ones,  Mirroring the horror, awareness seeped in to consume. Fighting to not let go of that ever accompanying pain, Losing it would feel like a nightmare. But giving up this time will not go in vain, As you lay in her lap strengthening the trust we shared.